Latest round of jokes from England on the Amazon.co.uk joke forum:
Posted on 7 Dec 2014 18:21:35 GMT
Veedub says:
Girlie Wisdom..... So they Say
Women over 40 don't usually have babies because they would put them down
and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by
then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting fire to my knickers.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like
... You know, sometimes I forget to eat! ......Now... I've forgotten
my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget
to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control
pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the
other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six
o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said
"Listen witch.....do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Women over 40 don't usually have babies because they would put them down
and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by
then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting fire to my knickers.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like
... You know, sometimes I forget to eat! ......Now... I've forgotten
my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget
to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control
pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the
other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six
o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said
"Listen witch.....do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Posted on 7 Dec 2014 18:23:30 GMT
Veedub says:
I was driving down the motorway knitting the other night, when a police car appeared,
he pulled along side me and said "pull over" I said "no pair of socks"
he pulled along side me and said "pull over" I said "no pair of socks"
Posted on 7 Dec 2014 18:24:51 GMT
Veedub says:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous, big breasted, long
legged woman sitting alone at the end of the bar.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, beautiful, you want some
company?"
Having already downed a few stiff drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty or clean.
It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too."
legged woman sitting alone at the end of the bar.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, beautiful, you want some
company?"
Having already downed a few stiff drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty or clean.
It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too."
Posted on 7 Dec 2014 18:31:02 GMT
Veedub says:
Things the wife doesn't use!!!
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
-a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a
divorce straight away!"
The husband replied: "Hang on just a minute sweetie, so at least I can
tell you what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this
young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she
was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years but don't wear because you say
they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
pair like them."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
-a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a
divorce straight away!"
The husband replied: "Hang on just a minute sweetie, so at least I can
tell you what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this
young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she
was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years but don't wear because you say
they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
pair like them."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Posted on 7 Dec 2014 19:25:20 GMT
Veedub says:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great ... but my thumb still hurts like hell."
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great ... but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Posted on 7 Dec 2014 20:27:12 GMT
Veedub says:
The Phobia of a Woman
Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of gettin lost
Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of gettin lost
In reply to an earlier post on 7 Dec 2014 21:14:40 GMT
Last edited by the author on 7 Dec 2014 21:20:17 GMT
Last edited by the author on 7 Dec 2014 21:20:17 GMT
Keith Williams says:
there was a head on collision involving a male driver and a female driver, amazingly neither were injured. the woman said this is truly a miracle,we must celebrate our good fortune.With that, she delved into the boot of her totaled wreck and to her astonishment there was a bottle of wine intact. Look at this she shrieked an undamaged bottle of wine, we will share it. After a little disagreement about whom would drink the first half of the bottle and the woman's firm stance, the guy went first and after downing half the bottle he passed it to the young lady.She thanked him but would rather save it until after the police had attended.
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 11:28:35 GMT
Dean L. Horton says:
[Customers don't think this post adds to the discussion. Show post anyway.]
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 15:34:18 GMT
Alan Burdass says:
A young doctor moved out to Lanark to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 16:53:38 GMT
Peter Mcgonnell says:
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 11 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico, 53,000 Central American border jumpers;
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate;and 1 totally useless President."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 11 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico, 53,000 Central American border jumpers;
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate;and 1 totally useless President."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 17:55:33 GMT
mrs joyce o'doherty says:
that just about covers it i dont think you left anyone out
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 18:55:17 GMT
Veedub says:
Water or Wine...........................
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 lbs (1 kilo) of Escherichia Coli (better known as E. Coli) bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 2.2 lbs. of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
The result:
WATER = Poo
WINE = Health
Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 lbs (1 kilo) of Escherichia Coli (better known as E. Coli) bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 2.2 lbs. of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
The result:
WATER = Poo
WINE = Health
Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 19:13:15 GMT
Veedub says:
So This joker looks at me with a smirk and says..... What does a bloke with a 12" Todger have for breakfast?..................
I looked back at him and said......... Well this morning I'm having toast.....
I looked back at him and said......... Well this morning I'm having toast.....
Posted on 8 Dec 2014 20:10:32 GMT
Veedub says:
A priest is trying to persuade a drunk to give up drinking by telling him how damaging and harmful whisky and alcohol is.
He takes a glass of water and a glass of whisky and puts a worm in each glass. The worm in the whisky dies and the worm in the water lives so he asks the drunk what he makes of that.
Drunk replies "You mean that if I drink whisky, I won't get worms".
He takes a glass of water and a glass of whisky and puts a worm in each glass. The worm in the whisky dies and the worm in the water lives so he asks the drunk what he makes of that.
Drunk replies "You mean that if I drink whisky, I won't get worms".
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