Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Veedub's Jokes

edub says:
Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.

I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellow that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man.

"Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

Posted on 23 Aug 2014 22:27:13 BDT
Veedub says:
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence.
The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A nun quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pleaded, "Minister, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of the other nuns that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Posted on 23 Aug 2014 22:29:00 BDT
Veedub says:
An Indian chief consulted his medicine man about a problem that had been going through his mind. He told him -

"Being chief have three wifes. Year ago I receive gift of skin off a hippopotamus from friend who go to Africa. Skin on floor of teepee along with skins from buffalo.

One night get drunk on firewater, make whoopee with two wives each on buffalo skin and third wife on skin from hippopotamus.

Nine months later wives who had whoopee with on buffalo each give birth to a son, but wife who I had on hippopotamus had twin sons. Is there magic in hippopotamus skin?"

"No." said the witchdoctor "Is simple mathematical equation."

"Squaw on Hippopotamus is equal to squaws on other two hides!"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 17:59:41 BDT
Veedub says:
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major

Car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got

Good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African

Blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood."

John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 18:11:51 BDT
Veedub says:
The missus said this morning she's getting old.
She said she got out of bed and had chest pains.
She said, "I looked down and realised.........
.
.
I was standing on my own nipples."

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 18:57:36 BDT
Veedub says:
A fat woman got stuck in the door of my local italian buffet. I just couldnt get pasta.

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 18:58:56 BDT
Veedub says:
Meteoroligical news..............

Due to the PC brigade requiring more reflection of Britains multicultural make up, British weather , especially English weather, has now been abolished.
In future weather will reflect a different culture each year in rotation.
2014 will be Britains first year of muslim weather, the long term forecast currently predicts the year will be occasionally Sunni, but mainly Shiite.

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 19:26:32 BDT
Veedub says:
This young lad is out drinking, and starts chatting to a much older woman. He's only 23 years old, she's 49 and looks damn fine for her age. One thing leads to another, and the talk starts to get suggestive.

"Tell me", says the woman, "I know a lot of men fantasise about being with a mother and daughter together. I wondered if you'd be interested ....".

Well, they can't get back to her place fast enough. She opens the front door, leads him in, and shouts up the stairs, "Mum, are you still awake ?"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 22:29:24 BDT
Veedub says:
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 22:43:10 BDT
Veedub says:
Two old ladies are sitting outside their old peoples' home having a smoke and a drink. It starts to rain, so the first old lady pulls out a condom packet, rips it open, snips the end off the condom and puts it on her cigarette. "What's that?" Mable asks. "It's a condom," Ethel says. "It keeps my cigarettes dry when it rains." "That's a good idea. But where do you get them?" "Oh, you can pick them up at any chemist shop." "I'll have to get some of those," Mable says. The next day, Mable hobbles off to the local chemist's. Inside, she goes straight up to the young assistant. "Do you sell condoms?" she asks. The assistant, obviously embarrassed by the little old lady asking for condoms, coughs and splutters a response. "Um, yes we do." He manages to regain his composure and continues. "What sort were you after exactly?"

"Oh, I don't care, just as long as they fit a camel."

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 22:57:57 BDT
Veedub says:
Old Mabel lives in the nursing home. She's a bit senile and a right character, and loves whizzing around at high speed in her wheelchair. The staff and other residents have a habit of playing good-natured pranks on her.
One day she's hurtling along the corridor when another resident stands in front of her, holds his hand up and tells her to stop. "Can I see your driving licence please madam", he says. She rummages about in her handbag, pulls out an old bus ticket and shows it to the man. "Very good, madam, you may go on your way".

So off she goes, to be confronted a little later on by another old man. "Can I see your insurance documents, please madam". She has another rummage in her handbag, pulls out an old sweet wrapper, and shows it to him. "Thankyou madam, that's all in order, off you go".

Round the next corner she comes across a male nurse standing there with his trousers around his ankles.
"Oh no", she says, "Not the breathalyser again !"


Posted on 25 Aug 2014 23:07:02 BDT
Veedub says:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
.
.
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Four-time bride


A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already." "Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately not.", the bride explained, "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. "My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. "My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him."

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Be Careful out there...


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Another test of photo gallery on use.com

Vintage Finds
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This is a collection of several images which are of interest and worth saving.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

test

link

Hi Everyone!
This is not the "make your own" custom countdown timer we want to give you. -- One of the most requested features is just a way to change the sound of the countdown timer, or to make it ring longer, So instead of making everyone wait (even longer!), we have put this together for you. :-)
More features, more sounds, and a nicer interface will be added soon, and if you have any ideas you would like to share, please email us. Thanks!

Jumpcut: Minimalist Clipboard Buffering for OS X

Jumpcut: Minimalist Clipboard Buffering for OS X:



'via Blog this'



link

an effort to curb the practice


Changes to Independent Contractor Laws are Threatening Millions of American Jobs

Proposed changes to independent contractor laws and other federal and state actions are threatening the livelihoods of millions of Americans.

A multi-front assault on independent contracting
is intensifying at both the federal and state levels.
Government agencies are threatening to eliminate
the businesses created by independent contractors
and erect legal barriers that would make engaging
independent contractors’ services difficult, if not illegal.

Federal Threat

President Barack Obama’s 2014 fiscal year budget
includes $14 million to “combat independent
contractor misclassification, including $10 million
for grants to States to identify misclassification
and recover unpaid taxes and $4 million for the
Department of Labor Wage & Hour Division to
investigate misclassification.”

In January 2013, the U.S. Department of Labor
announced plans for a $1.9 million study on
the misclassification of independent contractors
by assessing whether American workers understand
their job classification and the implications of
their status on their wages, benefits and taxes.

The Department plans to collect information from
more than 10,000 American workers and 100
company executives in an effort to curb the practice
in which employers allegedly misclassify workers
to evade state...


Combine PDF files

link

Q. I scanned some paper documents and saved them as PDF files on my Mac, but each page is in a separate file. Can I combine a PDF in the OS X Mavericks program Preview, or do I have to get something else?
A. Preview can combine the scanned pages into one PDF file. Open the first page in Preview, go to the Edit menu, select Insert and then Page From File. In the box that opens, navigate to the file you want to add next and click the Open button to add it to the document.
Repeat the process until you have all the pages in one file. If you are scanning the pages as you go, you can select the Page From Scanner option on the Insert submenu to pull a newly scanned page right into the file. Save the file after you have finished adding pages.
As an alternative, open the separate PDF files, turn on Thumbnails under the View menu in Preview and then drag the small page thumbnails from the side of each document window into one main file.
The pages should insert themselves where you drag and drop them with the cursor, but you can also drag them into a new order within the Thumbnails pane. Apple has illustrated instructions for combining PDF files in Preview at support.apple.com/kb/HT6174.
Preview is a Mac program, but Windows users can find several PDF editing tools and online services (like SmallPDF.com). The industry standard, Adobe Acrobat, can easily merge PDF documents as well as create, edit and convert them.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

 Safe Here in Canada  cid:E9C6912F818C41C9946F386D7A9A1F44@JackPC

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.


 
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

 
"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the
Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada.   I am callin' to tells ya
dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

 
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !  How big is your army?"

 
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold,
me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

 
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to
move on my command."

 
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

 
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have
managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

 
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

 
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

 
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000
armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since
we last spoke."

 
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

 
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on!  
We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light
wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

 
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have
10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.  My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

 
"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

 
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama!  I am sorry to have to
tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

 
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no friggin way we can feed two million prisoners."  

 Canadian Confidence Cannot Be Shaken

 

Canadian and Proud of it!!!

 
cid:98C636E604D64599BB4C58EC96A065B0@JackPC

Call me...

What to do in a Terrorist Attack

link

What to do in a Terrorist Attack 

The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov. displaying
public service symbols for terrorism readiness, in the tradition of the old "duck and
cover" campaigns after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean
anything! Here are a few guesses about what they mean:
[see graphic]
 If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
 If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are bald, yell really
loud.
 If you spot a terro


testing 1, 2, 3...

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test album1
This is a test gallery on the use.com system.  Past performance is not indicative of future results.  Your mileage may vary. 

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