,hl=en,siteUrl='http://0ldfox.blogspot.com/',authuser=0,security_token="v_SeT2Tv8vVdKRCcG9CCW-ZdIfQ:1429878696275"/> Old Fox KM Journal : Veedub's Jokes

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Veedub's Jokes

edub says:
Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.

I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellow that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man.

"Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

Posted on 23 Aug 2014 22:27:13 BDT
Veedub says:
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence.
The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A nun quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pleaded, "Minister, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of the other nuns that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Posted on 23 Aug 2014 22:29:00 BDT
Veedub says:
An Indian chief consulted his medicine man about a problem that had been going through his mind. He told him -

"Being chief have three wifes. Year ago I receive gift of skin off a hippopotamus from friend who go to Africa. Skin on floor of teepee along with skins from buffalo.

One night get drunk on firewater, make whoopee with two wives each on buffalo skin and third wife on skin from hippopotamus.

Nine months later wives who had whoopee with on buffalo each give birth to a son, but wife who I had on hippopotamus had twin sons. Is there magic in hippopotamus skin?"

"No." said the witchdoctor "Is simple mathematical equation."

"Squaw on Hippopotamus is equal to squaws on other two hides!"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 17:59:41 BDT
Veedub says:
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major

Car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got

Good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African

Blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood."

John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 18:11:51 BDT
Veedub says:
The missus said this morning she's getting old.
She said she got out of bed and had chest pains.
She said, "I looked down and realised.........
I was standing on my own nipples."

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 18:57:36 BDT
Veedub says:
A fat woman got stuck in the door of my local italian buffet. I just couldnt get pasta.

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 18:58:56 BDT
Veedub says:
Meteoroligical news..............

Due to the PC brigade requiring more reflection of Britains multicultural make up, British weather , especially English weather, has now been abolished.
In future weather will reflect a different culture each year in rotation.
2014 will be Britains first year of muslim weather, the long term forecast currently predicts the year will be occasionally Sunni, but mainly Shiite.

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 19:26:32 BDT
Veedub says:
This young lad is out drinking, and starts chatting to a much older woman. He's only 23 years old, she's 49 and looks damn fine for her age. One thing leads to another, and the talk starts to get suggestive.

"Tell me", says the woman, "I know a lot of men fantasise about being with a mother and daughter together. I wondered if you'd be interested ....".

Well, they can't get back to her place fast enough. She opens the front door, leads him in, and shouts up the stairs, "Mum, are you still awake ?"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 22:29:24 BDT
Veedub says:
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 22:43:10 BDT
Veedub says:
Two old ladies are sitting outside their old peoples' home having a smoke and a drink. It starts to rain, so the first old lady pulls out a condom packet, rips it open, snips the end off the condom and puts it on her cigarette. "What's that?" Mable asks. "It's a condom," Ethel says. "It keeps my cigarettes dry when it rains." "That's a good idea. But where do you get them?" "Oh, you can pick them up at any chemist shop." "I'll have to get some of those," Mable says. The next day, Mable hobbles off to the local chemist's. Inside, she goes straight up to the young assistant. "Do you sell condoms?" she asks. The assistant, obviously embarrassed by the little old lady asking for condoms, coughs and splutters a response. "Um, yes we do." He manages to regain his composure and continues. "What sort were you after exactly?"

"Oh, I don't care, just as long as they fit a camel."

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 22:57:57 BDT
Veedub says:
Old Mabel lives in the nursing home. She's a bit senile and a right character, and loves whizzing around at high speed in her wheelchair. The staff and other residents have a habit of playing good-natured pranks on her.
One day she's hurtling along the corridor when another resident stands in front of her, holds his hand up and tells her to stop. "Can I see your driving licence please madam", he says. She rummages about in her handbag, pulls out an old bus ticket and shows it to the man. "Very good, madam, you may go on your way".

So off she goes, to be confronted a little later on by another old man. "Can I see your insurance documents, please madam". She has another rummage in her handbag, pulls out an old sweet wrapper, and shows it to him. "Thankyou madam, that's all in order, off you go".

Round the next corner she comes across a male nurse standing there with his trousers around his ankles.
"Oh no", she says, "Not the breathalyser again !"

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 23:07:02 BDT
Veedub says:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

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