A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door. 
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, Expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Scotland"

The bartender says, "What do you do in Scotland ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Is My Time UP? 

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. 

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! 

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. 

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" 

God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"