LETTERS TO THE RODENT
Readers Reveal Innermost Thoughts About Law Firm Life

I didn’t feel like writing my column this week, so I decided to let others do it for me. The Rodent gets letters, lots of letters, from readers. Some write for advice, some need to vent and some don’t like me very much. Highlights from a few of these letters from over the years are excerpted below. The names (and numbers) have been changed to protect the lawyers (and prisoners):

I thought that hospitals and doctors’ offices were breeding grounds for lust, greed, melodrama and Greek tragedy, but they are nothing compared to what I have experienced at my law firm in just one year!
Jacqueline, M.D., Dallas

At the firm’s Christmas party, which "Daddy Joe" (the senior partner at the Devil’s Island of law firms) threw annually for the clients, we associates were directed not to touch the hors d’oeuvres. Instead, we were fed some sort of "mystery meat" that even my Marine Corps-hardened stomach couldn’t handle.
Simon, Ventura, Calif.

Your advice on billing was particularly well-taken. I do have difficulty finding stuff to bill to clients, and have become quite creative. For example, just this weekend, I went to the petting zoo and fed the sheep. This resulted in .3 of an hour billable time for preparation and a whopping 1.7 for shepherdizing! Every time I push "start" on the coffee machine, I bill .5 to preparation.
Joseph, Atlanta

During my third year of law school, I worked part-time at a Detroit law firm. I decided not to stay since I felt uncomfortable with the way clients were treated. I chose to leave quietly. A week after I left, a client firebombed the office, killing the intern who replaced me. After graduation from law school, I took employment with an Upper Michigan law firm. I noticed immediately my salary alone each month exceeded all gross accounts receivable. Disgusted, I returned to my hometown and entered into private practice with my father. I forced my mother to be legal secretary for both of us (thereby saving me money) until she became hospitalized. When my father and senior partner went to Chicago to be by her side, I took over the firm, occupied his office and advised him that he had now retired.
William, Flint, Mich.

Rodent, the strategies and techniques you have written about in your column have allowed me to increase my billables while reducing my waistline.
Samuel, Los Angeles

I just read your article about law firm fashion. The whole firm loved it–except for a few of the partners who just didn’t get it.
Roberta, Chicago

Let’s assume I’m now at the firm interviewing for an entry-level paralegal position in the area of civil litigation. Assuming that I’ve passed with flying colors through the interview, and the question of whether I’ve ever been convicted of a felony is not asked, either verbally or on an application–where am I now? Well, Rodent, are you picking up what I’m laying down? Being the hipster that you are, I’m sure you’ve either heard tell of what law firms think of ex-felons, and are in the know or have advice on the question raised herein. I’m also sure that you can appreciate what I’ll be facing upon parole in December.
#3428B, Leavenworth, Kan.

Rodent, around your teachings I have structured my personal life and professional ambitions. This publication should pay you much more than whatever it is currently paying you.
Many Readers, Worldwide

Keep those letters coming! You can write to the Rodent at therodent@aol.com.